I will not play.

Girl get on with it

Today was plastic and microwaved.

Drowning in your own shit.

Slowly coming along. I started to get pretty overwhelmed and I simply shut down when this happens. I took a step back and decided to take it one room at a time.

Bathroom's almost done. I need to replace/order a couple things and then fin. I started in the WC because it's the easiest. Everything else is just filled with shit. Clutter and useless objects fucking everywhere. I sat down in the middle of the floor and just meditated a bit. How much crap (and what kind of crap) you accumulate has got to be a in direct relation to your mental stability. I hold on to meaningless shit (sometimes even safety pins!) and can't let go of certain relationships. Some people compulsively collect pieces or things to compensate for what they lack in personality. Extreme clutter seems to be the norm for people a little lost in life, while extreme house hold perfection seems a parallel to people afraid they are losing themselves, or control. I feel I can relate to both situations depending on where I'm at emotionally. This is all really "duh" stuff but it inspired me to let it all go. How long can you spend spend spend and obsess over THINGS before you have to take a look at your decision making paradigm? When I step on that plane is it really going to matter if my apartment was exactly how I want it? Nope. If anything it will just hurt more. 

So for now I've been looking at forts and havens, and sanctuaries. Places to learn, and reflect, and let go. Lots of whites and creams and drapery. The trees are all blossoming and my backyard is filled with pinks and greens and blues. I don't need rods and shit. I've been thumb tacking lace tablecloths over my windows and every morning I wake to silence. Not the eerie kind. The spring morning, soft-light, peaceful kind. I am giving up going for any look. I'm going to pull it right out of my heart and build my sanctuary right in my apartment.

It's deco time!!!

Oh man I am so excited!

Of course I'll miss a few things. I'll miss Dustin like cray cray. I'll miss how pretty the Valley can be. I'll miss the limited amount of culture I guess (however limited it may be, Fairfield has the opposite of.) I'll miss a few Napa friends and I'll be further away from my Santa Rosa friends. But I've always known I wasn't meant to sit around these areas. And this is the start to gettin on outta here. If it means plopping all my shit in a little cheap apartment in Fairfield for a year well, it is what it is. This isn't about getting married. This isn't about friends.  And this isn't about blogging. This is about becoming a better me. This is about realizing how quickly it all can end. I've got too many goals and too much to learn about myself to continue living the way I have been. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better gilfriend, a better sister, a better peer. I want to be someone people love to be around. And most importantly I want to treat myself the way I deserve to be treated. I can't keep shoving my head further and further up my ass, worrying about the opinions of the unimportant. I can't keep waiting to be healthier or to travel. I'm 25. Time to get with it. I'm going to focus on myself and learn about myself by actively listening to others and shutting the fuck up once and a while. And by staying positive. Things are happening and I am pumped. 

Yeesh....

 Man I totally vomit blogged. I needed a safe place to get all the yucks out. But I've meditated on my apartment wish list and hit delete post and feel MUCH better. I know, I know, my chances of getting this place don't look very promising but wishing is what's keeping me going right now. So what if my soul will be crushed if I don't get approved? All I do is sit around all day dreaming about decorating this place and doing homework on the faux fur rug I'll be buying and cooking and cleaning.

    This place has got a lot of residual 1970's flare to it. I've always felt comfortable in that environment and the majority of my furnishings would fit right in, but I've been needing a change and for the past six months I've been dreaming in PASTEL! Sofia Coppola's version of Marie Antoinette. Heavy tapestry and royal golds. Carved wood framed mirrors and jewels and pinks and blues and florals. Wallpaper and tea roses!!! This place might clash unfortunately. The kitchen's got lots of dark country style wood and the living room's already got great western/mod curtains. I figure saving my money for my lonesome travels next year is more important than filling my void with STUFF. A whole change of all my shit just isn't worth it to me right now. I need to hold out on the great place and go for simplistic, organized, and sensible. Especially since it's Squarefield. So I guess I'm busting out the yellow mustard chair and the giant flower lights. Peace and love mannnn... I know I'll be able to rock it for cheap though. I wonder about a little 1970's/western meets Versailles. Hmmm... you tell me?

God I'm so screwed....