Drowning in your own shit.

Slowly coming along. I started to get pretty overwhelmed and I simply shut down when this happens. I took a step back and decided to take it one room at a time.

Bathroom's almost done. I need to replace/order a couple things and then fin. I started in the WC because it's the easiest. Everything else is just filled with shit. Clutter and useless objects fucking everywhere. I sat down in the middle of the floor and just meditated a bit. How much crap (and what kind of crap) you accumulate has got to be a in direct relation to your mental stability. I hold on to meaningless shit (sometimes even safety pins!) and can't let go of certain relationships. Some people compulsively collect pieces or things to compensate for what they lack in personality. Extreme clutter seems to be the norm for people a little lost in life, while extreme house hold perfection seems a parallel to people afraid they are losing themselves, or control. I feel I can relate to both situations depending on where I'm at emotionally. This is all really "duh" stuff but it inspired me to let it all go. How long can you spend spend spend and obsess over THINGS before you have to take a look at your decision making paradigm? When I step on that plane is it really going to matter if my apartment was exactly how I want it? Nope. If anything it will just hurt more. 

So for now I've been looking at forts and havens, and sanctuaries. Places to learn, and reflect, and let go. Lots of whites and creams and drapery. The trees are all blossoming and my backyard is filled with pinks and greens and blues. I don't need rods and shit. I've been thumb tacking lace tablecloths over my windows and every morning I wake to silence. Not the eerie kind. The spring morning, soft-light, peaceful kind. I am giving up going for any look. I'm going to pull it right out of my heart and build my sanctuary right in my apartment.

It's deco time!!!

Oh man I am so excited!

Of course I'll miss a few things. I'll miss Dustin like cray cray. I'll miss how pretty the Valley can be. I'll miss the limited amount of culture I guess (however limited it may be, Fairfield has the opposite of.) I'll miss a few Napa friends and I'll be further away from my Santa Rosa friends. But I've always known I wasn't meant to sit around these areas. And this is the start to gettin on outta here. If it means plopping all my shit in a little cheap apartment in Fairfield for a year well, it is what it is. This isn't about getting married. This isn't about friends.  And this isn't about blogging. This is about becoming a better me. This is about realizing how quickly it all can end. I've got too many goals and too much to learn about myself to continue living the way I have been. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better gilfriend, a better sister, a better peer. I want to be someone people love to be around. And most importantly I want to treat myself the way I deserve to be treated. I can't keep shoving my head further and further up my ass, worrying about the opinions of the unimportant. I can't keep waiting to be healthier or to travel. I'm 25. Time to get with it. I'm going to focus on myself and learn about myself by actively listening to others and shutting the fuck up once and a while. And by staying positive. Things are happening and I am pumped. 

Yeesh....

 Man I totally vomit blogged. I needed a safe place to get all the yucks out. But I've meditated on my apartment wish list and hit delete post and feel MUCH better. I know, I know, my chances of getting this place don't look very promising but wishing is what's keeping me going right now. So what if my soul will be crushed if I don't get approved? All I do is sit around all day dreaming about decorating this place and doing homework on the faux fur rug I'll be buying and cooking and cleaning.

    This place has got a lot of residual 1970's flare to it. I've always felt comfortable in that environment and the majority of my furnishings would fit right in, but I've been needing a change and for the past six months I've been dreaming in PASTEL! Sofia Coppola's version of Marie Antoinette. Heavy tapestry and royal golds. Carved wood framed mirrors and jewels and pinks and blues and florals. Wallpaper and tea roses!!! This place might clash unfortunately. The kitchen's got lots of dark country style wood and the living room's already got great western/mod curtains. I figure saving my money for my lonesome travels next year is more important than filling my void with STUFF. A whole change of all my shit just isn't worth it to me right now. I need to hold out on the great place and go for simplistic, organized, and sensible. Especially since it's Squarefield. So I guess I'm busting out the yellow mustard chair and the giant flower lights. Peace and love mannnn... I know I'll be able to rock it for cheap though. I wonder about a little 1970's/western meets Versailles. Hmmm... you tell me?

God I'm so screwed....

  

High apple pie in the sky.

So Fairfield it is. I guess. But if I'm gonna live in that armpit it better be cute and cheap and exactly what I want. Well I found it. And it is. And if the owners don't approve me I might have to kill someone. Or cry. Crying is more likely. It's just that I have never been able to help getting my hopes up. I'm obsessing and looking up apartment deco and pulling out my file of ideas. I'm trying to send positive vibes but they just didn't seem interested in me. Ugh I hate rejection from people I could care less about. This place is cheap cheap cheap and located in the only nice part of Fairfield I can think of and has tons o' character!! I can bring the cat and have room to spin around in circles if I deem necessary. My fingers are crossed like they never have been before. This place is too perfect for me to not be approved. Why would it come into my life otherwise? Just a little irony pill for me to swallow? Nah.... I'm not buying that. It will be mine because I deserve it and would truly appreciate it and take good care of it. Help me to send good hopes and thoughts in Fairfield's direction!

I covet thee...

If I must must MUST settle for a studio apartment for the next year, I want it to be cozy as earl grey and clean socks on a rainy afternoon. Tight and organized and stimulating. I keep on lookin but everything in this stifling town is overpriced or just plain unacceptable. I have seen quite a few two bedrooms that are reasonable. Some I would go far enough to even say cute. But, alas, I have no one to join me. It makes more financial sense to rent a cute little house with another chick anyhow. More bang for yer buck I guess. So how bout it?

• I'm clean but not obnoxiously so. Do your dishes.
• I like old things. Pretty things. Dusty things.
• I'm extremely reliable as far as rent goes. Never late.
• I push a little every day to become more aware and live a healthier lifestyle.
• buutttttt I still dabber in the drink from time to time and wouldn't want to live with anyone too stuffy. If I don't remember the things I said to you the night before, don't hate, don't judge.
• I'm doing damn good with the no smoking thing (as far as when I'm sober) so I'd prefer a non smoker but fuck it. I don't judge. Only outside.
• I'm very neurotic so anyone equally so would be appreciated.
• I read. A lot.
• dogs <3
• No cats. Period.
• No drugs. Period. (Green doesn't count. Bring it on.)
• I guess I'm just looking for a cool chick who's into some of the same things I am. I'm trying to embrace my girly side and hang with some tough, strong women. Find myself....blah blah...you know the gig.
• I'm going to school and will be holding two jobs so this couldn't be a party place. Just some hang outs from time to time.
• I should probably disclaim that I'm picky on what my surrounding look like. No posters of Marilyn Monroe, Bob Marley or beer pong. So....no one under 21.

I'm looking for a place with a least washer/dryer hookups. I got the actual machines themselves.
I'd like to pay $650 or less monthly but I'm aware that's probably not gonna happen for me. I'm not ruling out living with a dude either. I would just prefer a female. I'm hesitant to sign a year lease but would consider it. After I graduate I would definitely be leaving so this would be temporary.